A Sacred Pause

Been a minute. I’ve been busy, honest. Not that you doubted this, but probably I was. Let’s check it- I have moved into a new place with the goal of nothing less than a hard reset. A suburb that is more suitable, a livable apartment, new and aesthetically pleasing furnishings. I have committed to depth and breadth in learning about my practice. On a journey with my body and wellbeing. Taking care of my kids most nights of the week. Working four days a week, and now five to make savings a thing, rather than just getting by.

All of that together is…a lot. And I was having a hard time last year, so did this patterned act of enrolling in a course. I signed up for a Certificate in Human Biology at Endeavour College of Natural Health. My thinking was three fold:

It would be a qualification for the work of psychedelic chaplaincy or provide an “in” for further training.
It would provide a foundation for my health journey- a way for me to further internalize the knowledge of how I could be in my body.
Lastly, it was a way for me to keep myself occupied, my mind active, to appear a certain way to the outside world, and avoid some of the harmful patterns that were happening in my mind, heart and body.

I found going back hard to balance, and so took a bit of a gap, then found myself pressed to just do it or pay for it and get nothing in return. So I made the commitment. But in the actual space of learning, a few things opened up:

I am no longer interested in the work of psychedelic chaplaincy in the same way. I realize that I was jumping on the tired, capitalist/colonialist bandwagon. I would still like to experience plant medicine, but when the time is right. I am absolutely not going to pay for further training in this sector, unless it comes to me.
This aspect of learning about health is still relevant and interesting as I am now in it. I am trying to express a deep, divine love to my Ori that lives not just in the head but in the body. Perhaps I will be missing out on certain knowledge, but it can be acquired without formal training. Importantly, when I am focused on, for example, learning about research methods, I am *not* applying myself to other areas of life.
Look, my mind actually got the better of me, with the assistance of Orisa and ancestors and I had a very hard time trying to get started with this course between emotional distress and finally being able to move. Now the pressure to finish is on. And my mind is very active and aware of where I am behind, what I am not attending to, what is still upsetting, and what I want to be doing, especially in regards to areas like emotional and physical healing, my spirituality, work, finances, and potential travel.

In sum, I realized how much study was taking away from everything else in my life that I need time for: practice, relationships, movement, study, rest, nature, creativity, deep listening.

I have recently finished two of my subjects and will complete a third this week. Then I will have one more that finishes in June. After that, it is time for a break. Not a holiday, but a break from all of the little (and big!) things that I use as excuses to keep me from experiencing the aspects of life that are essential.

A sacred pause.

I have written about it to myself, along with reflections related to my readings for the year, and review these regularly. I don’t know what will come, but hey, that’s the point. To make time and space for what matters, including listening and discerning.

A sacred pause.

I don’t know what, if anything, will happen in this channel. But I know I need this time, and a lot of it, to find space and love in a world that is increasingly getting darker and harder.

Welcome, my sacred pause.